Friday, September 12, 2008

Quarrels again. sigh. fuck this shit man.
part of me want this, another part of me wants this. WTF SHOULD I DO?!
can someone fucking hell tell me what to do?!

and im fucking hell making it worse cause i seriously have no idea how to put my feelings into words. call me dumb/stupid whatever. i know im one. sigh. someone help me please! i really don't want him to be worry about me. he's already stressful enough. i really don't wish to add on to his burden. sigh. i thought i could solve it by myself, who knows i can't.din want him to get worried about me. but i burst into tears the moment davin pick up the call. this makes him even more worried about me. he asked me to tell him how i feel, what's the problem. but i just can't fucking hell put my thoughts into words, esp the person i have to tell is him. he start asking what happen etc. i myself wants to tell him how i feel but i just can't put it into words.

he said im not treating him like girlfriend should. he said he felt like a stranger. he said i place him last. i did not. i never did. did he ever ever ever put his himself in my shoes? he's always so busy. busy to the extent that i can't even have a nice talk with him cause he's too tired. did i ever complain?no i din, though i whine about it but i never blame him. i just don't want to bother him with these problems. am i wrong? am i? he said that he did not neglected me, but the way that he shows his care and concern is like totally wrong. 3words "imissyou" and it can make me feel super loved. but he din even say that. sigh. i know he's not a guy who express feelings thus i din blame him for that too. he told me that in his life now, i don't rank number 1. indeed my heart sank, tell me which girl won't feel sad when her boy tell her this. he promised me something, but ended up breaking the promise. it's because of exams, i can understand but why must he promise me and ended up breaking it. made me feel that im in heaven then suddenly drop me all the way down into hell without giving me a warning. that's hurts to max man. he did not even pacify me which i thought he would. which girl won't be sad?! tell me lah! im not that type of girl who will got telling people how she feels. he said im seeking attention from him, if i really did, the stuff i do would be way more than this.

guys friends of mine envy him for having sucha auto gf. but i do envy other girls whose bfs of theirs can treat them so well etc too. but mine only once in a blue moon or when he's in a good mood? don't compare, i know. but i can't help it. talk? or what? fuck fuck fuck. somehow, i saw my dad in him when he's talking the hell out of me. same hand posture, same tone, saying harsh words to me but it's for my own good, wanting me to tell how i feel. im not going to fall too deep for him, im not. cause once i do, it will hurt me fucking badly though it's hurting already. no point saying all these cause he won't be seeing it anyway.

going out with my girl tomorrow. hopefully my eyes won't be too puffy after all those crying.

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